#5 - winter whispers
POV: I’m Hima - a South Asian, medium brown skin, cis-gender, able-bodied, straight woman living as a settler on the Indigenous lands, T’karonto. I was born in Scarborough, raised Gujarati-Jain, middle-class, with English as my first language. My parents immigrated by choice via London and East Africa and are still together. I have two sisters and no extended family living locally. I experience ADHD symptoms. Much of what I write will be informed by some of these lived experiences.
mood
The weather outside might be frightful, but I am determined to make it feel delightful. After 36 years of dreading winter, which accounts for half the year in Toronto, I am forfeiting my stance and general blase. You know that point in your life when you buy shoes from Rockport because of the ‘reliable, sturdy sole?’ I have arrived there 40 years ahead of schedule. This means buying snow pants from Costco, thermal everything, and shamelessly sporting a Balaclava at 0 degrees. It certainly does not help that I am always cold, and wear a sweatshirt all summer, but alas, does change ever come without an inner battle of swords?
Almost every day, I am trying to go outside, feel the razor cold wind crash into my body like an electric shock, and replace my inner dialogue of ‘it’s so cold, I am going to die,’ with what I have now called wind therapy (don’t put it past me to Tony Robbins the shit out of this). ‘The wind is kissing me,’ ‘It’s just a sensation,’ ‘this is nice, right? being with the wind, yes, really nice. intimate even.’ The inner discomfort is mental acrobatics, but slowly, gently. ‘The wind is simply whispers from our ancestors,’ a colleague shared as guidance.
I don’t know if it’s working, but I am inspired by Demiesha Dennis, the founder of Brown Girl Outdoor World who not only did a backcountry Algonquin hike this past weekend (respect) but is also tenaciously changing the narrative that BIPOC folks do like adventure sports, which has typically been dominated by white faces and stories, reinforcing stereotypes of who belongs to these spaces. The financial barriers to entering adventure sports are real too. Outdoor gear is pricey and hard to store in smaller spaces - which is why Dennis is trying to raise $10,000 for a communal gear library specifically for BIPOC folks. Brillant.
In a speaking boot camp, called Shine that I participated in over the fall (applications open now) - my peer, Nerissa Marbury, spoke about the invisibility of Black people in adventure sports, and it being another example of how identity is co-opted to homogenize and reduce the humanity of the individual experience. ‘Black people ski. Black people horseback ride, Black people skydive, Black people surf, Black people mountain bike, Black people hike,’ she affirmed.
Black, Indigenous, and POC folks are not immune to outdoor activities - and many grew up and continue to practice a diversity of winter, outdoor sports. But, like many dominant spaces in urban and rural areas, adventure sports do not bring intentionality to making people, BIPOC people, feel seen and welcome - through visual imagery, staff representation, language support, sliding scale price considerations, asking for feedback and actually taking it, expanding social decorums that align with cultural ways of being and expressing, programming created in collaboration and/or led by BIPOC folks to meet the needs of their communities, checking elitist bullshit and as @rachelbturner says ‘breaking up with bro-marketing’. Even with these measures - without an inner reckoning of those who assert power in the space, the intangible tone of white supremacy is always heard, loudly.
More often than not - the driving motivation to create inclusive spaces has been awakening to the missed business opportunity and tangible benefits of having diverse voices at the table. Vomit. The failure of D&I work can be summed up as hollow intentionality. Reactive and fear-based. Perhaps 2020 was the turning point for white-dominated spaces to commit to equity, because you know, humanity. Moral responsibility. A consciousness of our shared reality and interdependence that transcends the transactional. Is this too much to ask? We shall see.
Because here is the thing - intentionality takes time, and as long as we believe time is money, our intentionality will fall short of creating cities and systems where the metric of success is love, and all the shapes love takes. Energy speaks louder than email copy and don’t forget it.
Last week, a friend texted to ask if I wanted to go tobogganing. My body tensed, cringed, and screamed no, as I typed yes, overriding my inner systems. I giggled with joy the whole way down the hill. My brown face will walk this winter. I will toboggan, ski, skate, and snowshoe. I might even do it with a half-smile, even if I am crying inside. Join me?
on my screen
A photo-essay of a performance piece I self-produced (and shot by my boo, Ciaran), called Mango Diplomacy, where I explored cultural intimacy and suppression was published in Kajal Magazine (Thanks Nadya!). You can see the full performance photography here.
Contemporary performance is still a relatively misunderstood mainstream practice. Most people’s reference point is Marina Abramovic's piece at the MOMA, ‘The Artist is Present’ - where for 3-months, Marina eye-gazed with thousands of visitors for 8-hours a day, moving people to tears in the act of being witnessed so deeply.
The key difference between contemporary performance and other types of performance (theatre, music, dance) is that there is no practice or rehearsal. A framework and set of rules are created, and the first time it is performed, and how it unfolds through an energy exchange with the audience, is the performance itself.
My own draw to it is creating a container to enter the unknown, practicing intense presence, and exploring empathy through embodiment. I don’t really know what I’m doing, but I’m calling in peers and mentors to grow my practice, and here for feedback and thoughts.
2021 growth guide
Local business + BIPOC-owned gift guides are easily the most searched term right now, which is actually positive when living under the duress of capitalism.
I thought about creating a guide…except I really don’t buy that much. Arguably, I could use a reverse Marie Kondo. ‘You don’t have many clothes, I’ve noticed, but the ones you do have are nice,’ a friend recently shared. She is not wrong.
I spend all my disposable income on learning, healing, and avocados, and nothing makes me happier than gifting or recommending a session with one of my favorite teachers, who inevitably has shifted my life in some way.
Shilbee Kim | Passion Coach
A few years ago, Shilbee discovered that when she stumbles upon something she is passionate about, her whole body trembles. She now coaches people, with the most gentle and loving curiosity I have ever experienced, to find their own tremble - using the Japanese Ikigai framework, and a series of tools she has designed to support you to dig deep inside to unearth your passion - a potent energy that can heal, motivate and fuel us.
Negin Sairafi | Vision to Reality
Negin takes people through the spiritual, creative, and emotional (very emotional) process of bringing a vision to reality. By creating alignment with your highest self, and setting up structures for flow, she brings ease, clarity, confidence, and unwavering love to the process. She basically coached me for free when we worked together for a few years and so much of what I know about this process, I learned from her.
Chidiogo Akunyili-Parr | Heart Connection
Chidi connects leaders to their hearts - and in doing so, creates the space for them to hear the voice of their intuition. She brings an ancestral level of presence and precision to every interaction, creating a sense of safety to be raw, open, and honest in exploring fears, insecurities, and self-doubts. Having spent many years at the World Economic Forum - she understands the inside of institutions and is passionate about supporting leaders balance head and heart.
Andrew Parr | Performance Coach
Andrew sees movement as a tool for exploring our edges. How we think, make decisions, negotiate, and communicate — can all be understood, subverted and reimagined, by how we move. As a professional golfer and coach, he understands the mind-body connection deeply and has packaged years of training into immersive experiences and coaching that go beyond theory into experimental practice and play. I had the privilege of learning from him through one of his urban Wildernest retreats, and I was mesmerized by how much wisdom my body already holds.
Rhea Mehta | Wellness Guide + Himalayan Yogi
Rhea was the first health coach I worked with to start to reform my diet for optimal nutrition and energy. She holds so much knowledge - with a Ph.D. in Molecular Toxicology, a certificate from the Institute for Integrative Nutrition, training in kriya-kundalini yoga breathwork practices, sound ceremony, singing, and soca dance. Truly, she the most impressive student of life I have ever met. Whenever I falter, I know I can look to Rhea to bring me back to centre. In the new year, she is hosting a retreat, ‘Cleanse to Clarity’ in Costa Rica that brings all of her gifts together in the most elegant way and obviously I want to go.
Jen Maramba | Reiki + Shamanic Healer
Jen has taken me places - and brought me into close communion and healing with my ancestors and the intergenerational stories that I carry in my genes, bones, and spirit. She is magic - and part of her magic is how grounded her practice is in her own lineage story. The first time I saw her was in her studio in Parkdale, where she lovingly guided me back to a challenging psilocybin journey to close the loop. Since moving on to Zoom this year, the sessions are equally powerful, as she clears dormant energy and makes space to call in the new and next.
Salima Pirani | Reiki Healer
Salima is the OG reiki healer. She popped by reiki cherry, guided me through cord-cutting ceremonies and speaking to my guides, and she also trained me on Level 1 aka told the highest spirits that I can be a channel. She has a decisive and matter-of-fact attitude about her role as a healer, and I remember during her training she said, ‘reiki will either impact you or do nothing. It can’t harm you.’
Jennifer Mansell | Breathwork Coach
The best way that I can describe Jen is that she basically creates and holds a womb space for you to feel your feelings. Like all of them. And she can do this because she is an Olympian feeler and healer; deeply investing in her own work and practice. Breathwork has been life-changing for me - and I have released and journeyed to so many beautiful places through her guidance and perfectly timed playlists.
Tai Chi | Medical Medium (Toronto-Based)
Tai Chi is the sweetest and most gentle healer. As a medical medium - he basically enters your body energetically and works his way through your organs, one by one, signaling where there are physical, emotional, spiritual, and nutritional blocks. For instance, when he got to my left lung, he looked me dead in the eye, and asked, ‘what happened to you when you were 12?” A time period I never thought about - all of sudden prompted, flooded memories and moments. You can text him for an appointment at 416.450.5604
Ryan Hayes | Intuitive Masseuse + Cranial Sacral Practitioner (Toronto-Based)
Ryan essentially dances with my body. Through breathing, he identifies energetic blocks and realigns my skeleton until energy is moving like a well-tuned turbine. He holds and weaves the scientific and spiritual together, patiently showing me how slight shifts in our muscles from stressors in our body can throw our energy system completely off-kilter.
liberation now
Watch this discussion, moderated by Naomi Klein with land defenders Kanahus Manuel, Molly Wickham, Suzanne Patles, and Skyler Williams, who reflect on a year of the Shut Down Canada movement as Indigenous communities all over the country are leading land back blockades from developers and reoccupying sovereign lands. It is powerful and continues to expose Canada’s chicanery of truth and reconciliation, violating international human rights conventions, despite being signatories, and deploying police and RCMP on the daily to criminalize people protecting their land.
You want to feel into the future where Canada is returned to and led by Indigenous communities? Watch this.