#3 - my tiktalk on tiktok

Because we're all so darn creative.

Silence was Golden | Public Art Project | Gwangju Culture & Art Centre | S. Korea

POV: I’m Hima - a South Asian, medium brown skin, cis-gender, able-bodied, straight woman living as a settler on the Indigenous lands, T’karonto. I was born in Scarborough, raised Jain, middle-class, with English as my first language. My parents immigrated by choice via London and East Africa and are still together. I have two sisters and no extended family living locally. I have ADHD. Much of what I write will be informed by some of these lived experiences.

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genuinely wondering

When my nephew was 3, he asked my dad (his grandfather and nana) if he would be his best friend. Aside from completely melting into a puddle, it always made me wonder if having a ‘best friend’ was a need or learned behavior.

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dreaming about

Holiday (vegan) cheese boards with my bubble (i.e. my family). I’m going to try to make this dairy-free log with thyme, pistachio, and pine nuts using cashews and almonds this weekend. But if I lose steam, I’m ordering from the Wandering Deli in Toronto who makes their own vegan cheeses AND fancy charcuterie boards.

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on my screen

My sister friend, Chidiogo Akunyili-Parr held space for me to share my own ‘hero’s journey’ as part of a series called, Still She Rises, for the Ubuntu Love Challenge. In the interview, she lovingly asked me, ‘who are you?’ ten times in a row - intentionally not responding in-between to allow the depths of knowing to emerge in the silence. Highly recommended intimacy practice.

You can watch the interview here, and a short snapshot here where I share reverence for one of my greatest teachers, psilocybin.

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contemplation

There are a few experiences that have completely shaken my limited understanding of the human condition. Having two friends murdered in my first year of university. Living in Kibera, Nairobi for four months and living in Delhi, India for three years. Meeting magic mushrooms for the first time. Going to Burning Man. And most recently, Tik Tok. Yes, TikTok, the quarantine escape salve turned healing-through-expression for not millions, but billions of people around the world.

The first time I downloaded TikTok, I threw my phone across the room. Two white young people were dancing in their living room and I felt like an intruder. I wasn’t sure if they were looking back at me. Immediately, I deleted it.

In complete desperation on day five of the pandemic, I rediscovered TikTok and have not looked back since. Instead, I am an aggressive advocate, bordering annoying. The combination of unique human with video, photos, music, text, hashtags, the culture of reproducing trends (i.e. skits, dances), and a 60sec timeframe, has created a platform of infinite possibility. And, rehumaning.

‘Why do we have to try to be human if we’re already human?’ I once asked my therapist. ‘Because most of us are not,’ he bluntly replied. Avoiding the agonizing parts of our humanity has left us as an increasingly disconnected and distracted species. Have you ever stood on a subway platform, pre-pandemic, at 8:30 am on a Monday morning, negotiating square footage, breathing heavily, avoiding eye contact while rubbing up against comrades in travel and wonder - how can we be so close and yet so far from one another?

The tools and culture of TikTok have created a multi-dimensional space to express the multi-dimensional being - allowing the external self, the internal self, the spiritual self, and the universal self to take up space at the same time. There is subtext in TikTok- the story behind the story, behind the story - that is not accessed in the same way IRL. Someone looks dead into the camera, their facial expressions telling a story, while a curated song plays in the background to set a tone, and then text, communicating a story, insight or feeling, flashes across the screen, and is complemented by hashtags, which also tell a story. These elements, in combination, are a whole new way of knowing a human, being.

The external self is the physical body - and how it warps and contorts into new forms based on what we are saying, not saying, and how we are feeling. The internal self is our thoughts, derived from our beliefs, stories and lived experiences. The spiritual self is the soul/spirit - the part of us that is eternal, a unique perspective of the universe, and just is. The universal self is the parts of us that makes us all from the same pie, and source.

One can argue, TikTok is not much different than film - except that the tools are accessible to almost the entire world (except India, where it sadly remains banned) - and it’s easy. The platform, struck by some pandemic luck, cuts across age, class, language, abilities, size, sexual identity, location, and talent - which has allowed me to see inside the inner and outer lives of people that I simply do not or may not cross paths with as frequently and intimately in IRL. Not to mention, TikTok has singlehandedly revived our dance - for everyone, not just those who are trained or are ‘good.’ We’ve been reacquainted with the most ancient and sacred form of movement, and it has produced a lot of joy and release, myself included.

In 6 months on TikTok - I have practiced voiceovers for 3 hours, discovered I experience ADHD symptoms and felt less alone, learned about our ascension into the 5th dimension from 18 year olds, celebrated folks who have recovered from addiction and transitioned into their true selves, wept with this woman who lost her partner to suicide, and another healing from sexual abuse, and this man who reunited with his mom after a decade, saw a 70+ year old women break it down and decided to shrug off aging, watched a woman work through emotional regulation in real time, listened to this man share what it is like living with schizophrenia, honoured women of colour who stopped trying to look white, witnessed Indigenous women powerfully stand for sovereignty, been singing this money manifestation all day long, felt like a gulab jaman with this photoshoot of the cutest nanima’s, realized that I am a meme, agreed with this person’s theory that science and spirituality are the same thing, died and came back to life at how brilliant @juztshy addresses Anti-Blackness, attempted to learn this bhangra fusion dance before almost passing out, got educated on some of the science behind conspiracy theories, followed this woman’s journey to pregnancy, pranked Ciaran (my partner) once and made the Internet upset, stumbled upon #farmertok, #alttok, #ecotok, and on and on, literally. Don’t even get me started on how much I have peed a little while laughing - especially to this guy’s tunes. I love remembering how we all have our own version of comedy.

My empathy has expanded through TikTok. I can hold more space and curiosity for the kind of difference that is enriching, important, and expansive. Slowly transforming judgment, suspicion, and irritation of people who do not agree with me. These days, difference can feel like a threat, and in many cases, it is when it is predicated on reigning one’s health, wealth, and freedom over another. But, difference is also a truth and learning when to erect a bridge or a sliding door is imperative to our collective healing and evolution.

To me, being human is to be open to feel all parts of the experience you encounter - no matter how messy, uncomfortable, painful, or not as planned - and in turn, see and accept the same in others. To see and accept our individual and shared humanity is a skill, and I would argue, TikTok has helped me practice.

Of course, there is a whole parallel narrative here on exploitation in TikTok - of data, expression, and vulnerability, and how its algorithm is part of the tech suite perpetuating polarization, bubbled-thinking, and anxiety. It’s likely TikTok will eventually fall into the same traps as Facebook and Instagram, being overrun by influencers, ads, and shopping buttons. The humanity is in the expression - not the ways in which capitalism is designed and driven to exploit anything that is sacred, needed, and desired. Nevertheless, TikTok has been a beacon for shifting our culture towards more expression, play, vulnerability, and humor - and its echo will be felt across our relationships, families, and communities.

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liberation now

At the root of transitioning from a punitive and carceral culture is changing our relationship to accountability. The fear of being reprimanded for wrongdoing is hardwired at a young age - creating a defacto ‘good and bad,’ and justifying the existence of prisons. Accountability is scary af in our current culture - triggering shame and guilt, but mostly the risk of being disowned from society and one’s community - which at this moment, is entirely possible. Until we shift our belief system to see accountability as an opportunity for growth, healing, and relational depth - we will conflate justice with punishment.

Organizers, activists, artists, and healers including Mia Mingus, Sonya Shah, and Adrienne Marie Brown reflect on what are the obstacles to accountability in this short video, as part of a series on Transformative Justice, produced by the Barnard Center for Research on Women.

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obsessed with

One of the first global performance art series, produced by Martin Schulze and Public Delivery, called Silence was Golden. Performers around the world chose a word or phrase that was important to them and spelled it out in golden letters in relevant locations around the world (see pic above). Sit with the experience here.

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